A lighthearted piece from Purim 1998…
OzTorah scoops world media!
JEWISH LEADERS SECRETLY DEBATE WEAPONS PLANS
With on-the-spot reporting from Rabbi Raymond Apple in Sydney and the OzTorah correspondent in Beirut:World Jewish leaders have been meeting in secret to debate which weapons to stockpile for use against Sadman Insane, according to information exclusively obtained by OzTorah and published here for the first time.
Bunkered in Israel, leading rabbis and lay leaders have, it is learned, decided that culinary armaments would have power to make a devastating body blow to the Sadman regime. Analysts presented a plan, which was endorsed, to handle the present crisis with a campaign called Operation Boichvetik.
Chief adviser was Professor Kit Chen of the She Brew University, renowned author of Bagels, Kreppels and the Asian Economy, Lockshen and Kneidlach in Mendele and Maimonides, Make Farfel, Not War and The Latke and the Hamantasch – an Interactional Symbol Analysis. Weapons that could be turned on the enemy were assessed by the professor. Options included:
• Gefilte fish. Professor Buff Oon said the gefilte fish was easy to identify as when going fishing in the river this was the one with the carrot on its head. It was decided to discard this option when Rabbi Lou Bavitch stated that an ox was allowed to eat the corn it was threshing and the stockpiling staff would eat the gefilte fish and none would be left to aim at the enemy.
• Lockshen. Some leaders favoured adopting this as the secret armament but got too entangled in the subject to make a decision.
• Bagels. Debate centred on whether the main part of the bagel was the dough or the hole. In view of the threat to Jewish unity the question was shelved until the coming of the Messiah.
• Kreplach. It was agreed that kreplach were easy to aim at an enemy but the high price of kosher meat in Israel made this option too expensive.
• Latkes. It was decided that as the best latke-flatteners are Spanish it would harm Israel’s relations with the EEC if the Spaniards had to say “Oilay” instead of “Ole”.
• Hamantaschen. The Chassidic rabbis found a significant omen in the imminence of Purim and Pesach as the Hebrew letters of Hamantaschen are an anagram of Mah Nishtanah.
In a remarkable cross-community accord, the meeting shortlisted two items – Kneidlach and Hamantaschen. Both, it agreed, were light to carry, small and easy to conceal, and possessed aerodynamic stability. However, Professor Kit Chen warned that true Kneidlach were soft and fluffy and would not be good weapons as they might disintegrate. He preferred Hamantaschen as they were firm with three corners which made them an ideal sharp instrument.
OzTorah learns that the unanimous decision of the conference was in favour of Hamantaschen and bearing in mind that the original Haman was strung up on the gallows the conference wished the enemy many hang-ups.